I’m not impressing anyone today, because I’m wasting lots of precious minutes being sick.

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I am severely plagued by …. something. I started experiencing the standard symptoms of a cold – fever, aching head, snuffly nose, sore throat – two weeks ago. The sore throat is a particularly bad one – every time I swallow, I feel like a chunk of cactus is working its way down my gullet. I saw my doctor about it over a week ago. He did a swab and said it’s not bacterial, which means it must be viral, so there wasn’t anything he could do for me. I would just have to wait it out. I’m still waiting.

I googled “sore throat remedies”, and came up with a number of things. Everything from the usual gargling with salt water (ew) to the never-heard-of-it eating marshmallows (um, ok). Take lots of liquids …. check. Try a painkiller like ibuprofen or acetaminophen …. check. Have a spoonful of warm honey …. check. Rest your voice …. have neither the fortitude nor even the inclination (uncheck). Unwilling to sing through one more splash of salt water, tired of microwaving ramekins of honey, and knowing that there are only so many painkillers one should take in one day, I decided to try something else. (No, not marshmallows! I’m ill, not addled.) I bought this:

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Halls has been around a long time – it’s a trusted brand for many people, myself included. It comes in so many great flavours. For just a little while, it takes away the feeling that rusty nails are rattling around my uvula. I had probably yommed half a dozen of them before I noticed that the wrappers were cheering me on. Each Halls wrapper sports two inspirational messages (in English and French, of course, this being Canada, The House That Bilingualism Built). Some are gentle nudges, sympathetic and encouraging:

Keep your chin up.

You’ve survived tougher.

Go for it!

Others are corny, and somewhat vague:

Impress yourself today.

Elicit a few “wows” today.

Inspire envy.

Don’t give up on you.

Don’t waste a precious minute.

Then, there are the aggressive ones:

Let’s hear your battle cry!

March forward!

I didn’t mind the crinkly, medicinally scented pep talk at first. It’s a nice idea – and who wouldn’t want to feel like someone understands what you’re going through and really cares? By the time my lozenge consumption had reached double digits, however, I was no longer enjoying the messages. In fact, at this point, I find myself ripping the wrapper off as quickly as I can to avoid reading them. My chin’s still up, because I know there are much worse illnesses with which I could be contending, and this will go away in time. And, yes, I have survived tougher. But that doesn’t mean I’m not feeling a bit low. Forgive me, but I don’t think I’ll go for it today. Today, I’ll go for doing only what’s necessary, and give myself a break. I doubt I’ll impress myself, and I’m fairly certain no “wows” will be elicited. This will, of course, fail to inspire envy. Oh, well. I’m not sure what it means to give up on me, but I do plan to occupy the couch for most of the evening – or at least until my head stops pounding. Is this wasting precious minutes? Possibly. But sometimes coming down with a cold is your body’s way of telling you that you need to do just that …. Feeling the way I do right now, I don’t even have a battle cry – though I might have a whimper or moan to demonstrate. And I’m marching nowhere. Why should I? I need rest to repair myself. We all do.

I’m sure whoever came up with this pushy campaign meant well. Positive thinking and determination have been proven to help people recover from various illnesses. He or she is probably also enjoying a juicy bonus or promotion – reaping the benefits of all that going for it, envy inspiration and forward marching. Not to mention the efficient use of precious minutes …. However, I’ll bet I’m not the only one feeling annoyed by the relentless paper cheerleaders – and the many other products trying to convince us that we need them because we don’t have time to be sick. Very few of us are working on a cure for cancer, performing brain surgery or spoon-feeding starving orphans. Even those of us who are doing these things aren’t the only ones – we’re not irreplaceable. How about slowing down when our stressed systems start to flounder, rather than muffling our body’s messages and pushing ourselves so hard? What are we pushing for, anyway – and is it worth the toll it’s taking on us?

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